On Saturday May 19th, 2013 my life was forever changed. On that day I was the trauma patient that needed care and support. The stories of countless women that I have encountered serving as a Chaplain in Women’s Services began to flood my mind, I held onto their stories remembering the sacred moments I shared with them in prayer offering emotional support as they prepared to leave the hospital with empty arms.
Those stories began to flood my mind and became my strength when I thought I would fall apart as my doctor held my hand and said sorry there is nothing we can do at this point. You no longer have any fluids and your baby is coming. I was not ready to meet my baby; it was too soon. I knew she was not ready to sustain life on earth and shortly after I say hello I would have to say goodbye, that time I was the woman leaving the hospital with empty arms.
After seven hours in labor, I delivered a little baby that was 9oz. with two arms, two legs, ten fingers and toes, two ears, two eyes with eyebrows, one nose, perfectly shaped little lips, and a beating heart. The baby was immediately wrapped up and handed over to me by the nurse. In complete awe, I held my child not sure what to say, but I am sorry you have to go so soon, I hardly knew you. Not knowing how long we had until our baby’s heart would stop beating, I handed our baby over to Victor for him to have some time with our new born baby.
All along we had no idea of the gender, yet I wanted our baby to have a name. My brain was drained and body completely exhausted of all energy, I could barely keep my eyes open. That is when Victor said to me, “Trinity”, we will call our baby Trinity, as a representations of God’s presence in every form that supercedes gender. Later that morning we were informed that our baby was girl.
Trinity was with us for thirty minutes and all I saw when I looked at her was a miracle of creation and the perfection of life in the purest form.
The words of Merton Thomas, from Thoughts in Solitude expressed the feelings in my heart, that said;
“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”
A few years prior, on Nov. 4th 2010 when I began my training in women’s services I was required to attend a conference for Perinatal Bereavement and Neonatal Loss. I sat alone sobbing and praying during the entire conference. I was utterly surprised by that statistics and stories of women who suffered the lost of a baby and carried their grief alone. I knew then God was tugging me to get my attention around the care for women who suffered in silence. That day I made a commitment to serve and support women who endured early pregnancy loss without fully understanding the depth of that type of loss until now. Now I am one of the four (1in 4) women whose pregnancy ended too soon. I have my personal story, around the life and death of my baby Trinity Simonson who has changed my life and ignited my voice as an advocate for women who have suffered in silence.
This month of October, I am committing to build awareness around early pregnancy and infant loss. I welcome you to join me in acknowledging and remembering a baby that left this world too soon.
Since the time when President Regan’s speech brought heightened awareness to pregnancy and infant loss, October 15 has become internationally recognized as “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.” On October 15th everyone in all time zones all across the world is encouraged to light a candle at 7pm and keep the candle lit for one hour. With this simple act, we are creating a continuous wave of light all across the world.